A CHRISTIAN WITHOUT A HOME
For the past year, I have struggled with my faith. Although I was never someone who went to Church on a regular basis, I never hesitated before to answer that I was a Christian and raised as an Episcopalian. Most nights, I said the Lord’s Prayer before I went to sleep and often talked to God when I was at a low point or needed “a favor”. I felt safe and protected and believed with complete certainty that I was God’s child, that he knew ME personally and was there to help me. All I had to do was ask.
Up until my divorce last year, I would have said that I had “sailed” through all the other personal crises of my life doing better than most with my share of failures, loss and rejection. I always had faith that things would turn around and that tomorrow would be a better day. I was a good person living a moral life and believed that God knew of my struggle and was nudging me along whenever I hit a bump in the road.
So then where was God this past year when I needed him so much? Why have I never felt so completely ALONE in my entire life? I even doubled up on my prayers, repeating them over and over again. But no matter how much I asked, I received NO ANSWERS and NO HELP. There were many days when I felt like I was walking backwards, and I have never cried so much in my entire life. Although much of it is a blur right now, I remember often wondering whether I had hit rock bottom yet. When were things going to turn around, and where was God?
As I have done before at different stages of my life, I tried going to Church again. But after a few months of dedicated attendance, I felt like a hypocrite because I could not pray to God in that setting. In fact, I had stopped praying to him altogether. Because he wasn’t answering MY prayers or giving me the help I wanted at that moment, I felt abandoned and was more hurt by HIS “rejection” than all the other losses I had ever experienced combined. What followed then was a period where I blamed God for EVERYTHING that was wrong in my life and in the world in general. All these horrific things were going on everywhere, and I just knew he could stop them if he chose to. Why was he letting everyone suffer like this? And why didn’t he care that he was losing me, his faithful child?
At the same time I was trying to go the Church route, I was also studying the Bible for the first time in my life. But this didn’t go well either because most of the Old Testament stories described a wrathful and revengeful God, one that I couldn’t respect or relate to. He not only sounded overly demanding and narcissistic, I couldn’t stand that he played favorites and chose the people of Israel over the Egyptians. After a lifetime of believing my God was like Santa Claus, I just could not accept this other version.
It wasn’t until I started reading the New Testament and Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount that I finally found what I have been looking for all these months. It wasn’t the part where he blessed the poor, the persecuted or the hungry, or the sections where he spoke against anger, retaliation, and adultery. It was Matthew 6:25-34, when Jesus said to his disciples “Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body…”. He told them to look around at the birds in the air who manage to find food every day and the lilies of the fields that continue to grow. God takes care of all of them, and he will take care of us also. In other words, live for today and do not worry about tomorrow. If you have true faith and live a moral life, you will also be taken care of.
Somehow over the past year, I had not only lost my faith in God but I had lost faith in ME as well. I didn’t believe I could begin this new life of mine without HIS help. When no one came forward to assist, not even God, I truly panicked and went through all the classic stages of grief and loss (e.g. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, etc.). It took a full year for me, but I believe I am coming out of it now … because I think I FINALLY understand the message that was being sent to me from up above. It didn’t come as quickly as I wanted, or the way I wanted it to …. and it still isn’t going like I thought it would. But I am getting “help” now with what I am struggling over. I am starting to get answers. I am starting to see my path lit up. Even more important than all this, however, is that I believe in MY own strength and my own powerful spirit. I know I can make it now on my own, and I don’t need to feel God’s hand on my shoulder like I wanted before.
Copyright © 2013 (Michelle Parsons, Getting Back on Your Path). All Rights Reserved.
