THE DEVIL I KNOW
There is a blade of wheat growing in a field. The sun is in the background, but all I can see are the kernels of grain at the top of its head. A few are black around the edges, but their centers look full and bright. They are all working together and part of a project going on in a field in Russia.
I hear a tractor approaching from the right side. It’s one of those combine harvesters with a glassed-in cab for the driver, and I watch as it gets closer. I can make out the driver now, and he is wearing overalls, a short-sleeved white shirt and a red cap on his head. He looks a bit like Gerard Depardieu when I look at his face close-up. He is concentrating very hard now, and his eyes look angry and determined. He is looking at his watch and knows it’s getting late, but he wants to get as much wheat as he can before his day is over.
As he drives in front of me, he gives me the finger and then sticks his tongue out as if to dare me to try and stop him. I don’t react at first because I don’t understand what his problem is. I’m not doing anything to him, and I don’t even know who this is. But I continue to watch for a while as I know something is seriously wrong with him. He must be mentally ill yet he is driving the tractor expertly and making very straight lines that look normal to me. As he passes me a second time going in the opposite direction, he stops the tractor, gets out of his seat and begins to pound on the window facing me. He is further away from me this time, but I can still see him well enough to make out the hatred and fury in his eyes. Although I can’t hear him, I can tell he is swearing at me as he keeps pounding the glass with his fists.
I continue to just stand there in confusion over this spectacle I am witnessing. But just as I make the decision that I need to do something about this guy, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I almost jump out of my skin from fright when I see that it’s the Devil who is trying to get my attention. He is offering to help me and says that he knows who this driver is and why he is so angry with me. If I am willing to give him some of my time, he would be happy to explain the history of this man but warns it’s not a pretty story. It is one filled with child abuse, rape, drugs and sordid criminal activity. This man has done everything under the sun and requires immediate medical attention.
I am very interested at first, so I sit down for a moment with the Devil and begin to listen to what sounds like an outrageous but fascinating tale. I keep shaking my head in astonishment as I learn more about the driver’s life and what he has done. How could one man have deceived so many people and destroyed so many lives and have never been stopped? Anyone can see he is mentally deranged, but as I begin to question the Devil, he silences me with his pointed finger and says: “It’s a long story, and you wouldn’t believe it if I told you. But you need to listen to me now and trust me. I am your friend, and I have always been your friend. Many years ago, I did something terrible to you, and I have never forgiven myself. So I watch you closely now and am around you all the time trying to protect you. I am your guide now, and I need to warn you about certain people who are trying to hurt you. They are jealous and are trying to get rid of you. But if you follow me, I promise you will be safe.” I begin to stand up when I hear this as I don’t trust the look in his eyes, but he motions me to sit back down again and then continues: “I know you can hear my voice at night. We talk together often, and I always tell you the truth. But you don’t believe me because you think I am Satan and that I am trying to destroy you and everyone else.” As I pull away from him again, I begin to inch backwards while still in a sitting position. The further I get, though, the better I feel, and my head begins to clear and my breathing returns to normal.
The Devil never takes his eyes off me, however, and I become self-conscious from his fixed gaze. For a short time, I put my head down trying to avoid his stare, not confident yet in my own strength or ability to survive. But slowly, something inside me begins to grow. It starts as a small seed that isn’t large enough to sustain itself and for a while I am not able to tell whether it’s actually growing or still stagnant. When I examine it closely, however, I see a tiny kernel of light. It’s bright but too small to identify at first. Yet every time I take another step away from the Devil, this light begins to grow bigger and brighter. It feels like a soft, warm blanket at first, the kind you wrap a baby in. I am so grateful for the comfort it gives me, but after some time, it no longer looks like a blanket to me and becomes something bigger than that. Something more personal and unique to only me. I then see that its part of my journey, and it’s a light that follows me everywhere now. Some days I don’t trust that it’s still there, but when I look for it again, I always find it close by.
I am no longer sitting now, and the dark shadow that followed me everywhere offering to help and be my friend is now off in the distance. As I return to the wheat field where I first met the Devil, I find that blade of wheat I was examining so closely. The kernels toward the top that were edged in black have now shed their husk and have blended in with all the others. The tractor is no longer operating, and I see it parked behind a shed with mechanics underneath examining it. I scan the field looking for the driver, but he is nowhere to be found.
If the wind is blowing in a certain direction, I can sometimes hear the Devil still calling for me. His voice is one I will never forget. Like a drug that seeps into your blood and takes over your body, the Devil I know tries to lure you in with shallow compliments and false promises he never keeps. He attaches his hook to the weakest part of your soul and then pulls with all his might. The closer you stand, the more of you he gets, and the more of you that listens, the more of you is lost.
Copyright © 2014 (Michelle Parsons, Getting Back on Your Path). All Rights Reserved.
