HEADING TOWARD THE LIGHT
For the past two years, I have been fighting with someone. It has now gone full circle, and I am back where I started …. still stuck with her, and still in a child’s sandbox refusing to budge. I feel as if I have made every effort humanly possible. I have tried helping her, reasoning with her, ignoring her and then shaming her. I have tried swearing, name calling and shaking my fist. I have hated her and blamed her for absolutely everything that has gone wrong, and I have never felt so much negativity, bitterness or revenge in my entire life.
I keep telling her (and everyone else) that she started this fight, that it’s all her fault, and that I was innocent. So I keep insisting that she back down first, apologize and do the “right” thing for me and others. I have been proud of my strength, courage, determination and will power. I have seen myself as a sheriff or warrior who fights injustice and insists on fair play. I will not back down in battle or turn the other cheek and be quiet when I am being persecuted. No matter what she does to me, I will be the LAST one standing at the end of our boxing match.
But this contest has gone on for more than two years, and it’s been a life filled with distrust, worry, fear and contempt. I have hated who I have become almost as much as I have hated her. Maybe I handled it the best I could at the time, but it’s not who I am at my core. It’s not who I want to be or how I want to live any longer, and I am now at a crossroads trying to find a different path to take. I have to stop seeing everything in terms of a winner or a loser, but I am not ready yet to extend an olive branch or welcome her in my home. Too much has happened, and the distrust is still there and the wounds are too deep. I also don’t want just a “time out” where we each retreat to our corners and re-think our approach.
What I think I want instead is just a path which will lead me away from the “battle” and toward a place of peace. This fight has taken so much out of me that there are days when I feel so lonely, empty and depleted of everything I must have in order to move on. What I need more than anything is confidence in myself that I can overcome this, hope in the future, faith in the universe and unconditional love (and respect) for both friends and enemies alike. I would also like the hand of God to scoop me up and carry me the rest of the way, but I know that’s not going to happen. This is my life and my journey, and I have to at least be willing to start down the path on my own.
Off in the distance, I see a white picket fence, a gate opening, and me crossing into a field where all my friends and family are waiting for me. They come running up to greet me, with their arms outstretched. I look like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and I have finally returned to Kansas. But instead of feeling joy, I have my head down in shame because it took me so long to get back home. As I start walking with one who has his arms around my shoulders, I begin to lift my head and look around. He is Huckleberry Finn with no shoes on, and he is blowing a dandelion in his other hand. He is telling me all that has happened since I have been away, and I am slowly coming back to life. I see the sun now, and we are heading toward the light.
Copyright © 2013 (Michelle Parsons, Getting Back on Your Path). All Rights Reserved.
