TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK
I am still progressing at a two steps forward, one step back pace, but there are still some days when I go BACK two steps and forward only one. I get so frustrated with myself on those days and so discouraged that I can’t seem to permanently cross that “barrier” that I see as freedom. At times, I think I am over the horizon, and everything looks beautiful and feels good. My energy is high, and I have so much faith and hope. I am ALL spirit then. But within minutes, I see something (or remember something), and that barrier is UP again … and I am back on the wrong side.
So I have been there, but I just can’t seem to STAY there. It’s as if I have all the tools I need but somehow either can’t do (or won’t do) the “work” I need to. Yet internally, I feel as I am working all the time toward my healing….a 24/7 project that has been going on for several years. So why am I not stronger by now, and why do I still have so many relapses? Maybe I am just not ready yet, and I should relax and give myself a break. But there is always some pressure pushing at me, something saying to “dig deeper”. There is still more dirt to unearth and more buried bodies. There is just simply more to my story, and I am not the type who can completely “let go” until I feel I have ALL of it.
One part of me (the side I call my spirit) says to just keep moving forward, and that in time, the truth will slowly emerge. It will all come when it is supposed to come and when I am best able to handle it or receive it. It is this part of me that I listen to the most these days and who is in the driver seat majority of the time. The one who believes that the Universe gives us exactly who and what we need to help us with whatever we are struggling with at any given time. The one who trusts that I am being guided or “prepared” in some way for my next step. It is my encourager and my cheerleader. The one who is ready to jump off a cliff blindfolded and is positive there is a soft landing down below.
But the other part of me (my fearful and stubborn body) still pulls at me sometimes and tries to apply the brakes. It keeps telling me I am going way too fast, that I am naïve and too trusting, that I’m being taken advantage of and/or manipulated in some way. That life only gives you lemons and that real happiness only happens in Hollywood. I feel foolish and stupid then, and all I see are red flags everywhere.
Every day, my spirit and body are at odds with each other over something. On a BAD day, I almost feel as if I have a split personality. I never know what is going to trigger a relapse, but suddenly my body becomes full of fear and doubt, not trusting anyone or anything. I begin to look over my shoulder and stop looking ahead. This is the part of me that has low self-esteem and no confidence. The part that has been “abused” and still suffers from the trauma. The one who wants everything to remain the same so it can be safe. The one who is so afraid that what is around the corner will be worse than what I am dealing with now…. and the one who feels ALL ALONE and just wants my Mom. These are the days that I take TWO steps back.
Copyright © 2013 (Michelle Parsons, Getting Back on Your Path). All Rights Reserved.
