IN THE DARK
When Pastor Rick Warren’s son committed suicide in April, I felt personally devastated by their loss. Although I never followed the man’s history of depression or his struggles with mental illness, his death made me think of my own family and a sister who was mentally ill and a nephew who died of a drug overdose a few years ago. Not every family experiences suicide, but every family has dealt with depression and mental illness.
The Warren Family probably went through the same journey my family did, and some of them will feel responsible and guilty the rest of their life. If only they had done something differently or tried harder, he might still be alive. So they will place the deceased on a pedestal as if they were a saint, while at the same time beating themselves up for their own failings and mistakes.
To this day, I have never understood why my sister, Heidi (who contracted a chronic kidney disease at age 10 and died when she was 35) would not even follow some of her doctor’s simple instructions. She was a very bright girl, and yet she would not even take a multiple vitamin unless the whole family showed up to encourage her, or in many cases, force it down her. Some called her a “free spirit” and admired that she lived her life HER way, but others (like me) grew very tired of the Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” approach. Not because we begrudged her independent spirit, but because the rest of us got dragged into “the mess” that resulted when she didn’t follow the rules or the advice given. Was she simply lazy and selfish, or did she really not want to get well? Because if you get well and are 100% healthy, maybe others hold you to a different standard and expect more from you. Or is that others simply stop worrying about you and go back to living their own lives? It has been my experience that some people need attention 24/7 to feel love or to not feel abandoned.
It is so frustrating (and so heart breaking) to watch someone you love NOT move forward. Not only do you feel resentment and anger toward them, you are also mad at yourself for all the time you have personally wasted trying to help them. After experiencing this a few times in my life with certain friends and family members, I have learned to just distance myself from their pain and suffering. In the beginning, not only did I feel sorry for them, I also felt GUILTY that I was healthy and doing well. So I offered to hold their hand and take the journey with them, going to doctor appointments, giving them “advice”, recommending books to read, giving them money on the side, etc. But that never worked. They never got better, and nothing ever changed. It wasn’t until I realized that when you feel sorry for someone, you are not really helping them. What you are doing instead is trying to “save” or “rescue” them, or “fix” their problems. You are in essence climbing down in the hole with them and pitying them, which actually disempowers them. You are not only making things worse for them, you have also just lowered your own energy. So even though your intentions were honorable, the result is negative for both parties.
What I have also learned is that no one will really change until they want to and are ready to. Some need to actually hit rock bottom before they bounce back, but many will never make it. For reasons that are incomprehensible to me, many will choose to stay IN THE DARK and at the bottom. Although it is so painful and so tragic to see a loved one slip away, it is more tragic if both of you get sucked under. When someone’s soul is that “lost”, you must walk away and save yourself. This is their journey … and you have your own.
Copyright © 2013 (Michelle Parsons, Getting Back on Your Path). All Rights Reserved.
